the first month

i can not believe that i have been working now for a month. time seems to fly. i am also in the middle of my last semester at university too, by june (17th!) i will have completed my degree- health science after 8 long years. it will be something to celebrate....i am not sure how just yet. it will be so nice to have the winter to just read trashy novels and magazines without the guilt of 'i should be reading my readings....'. i am lucky this semester though that i have got two interesting papers- an alcohol and drug paper and a disability in society paper. i have been busily reading about euthanasia for my next assignment. it may sound morbid but it is very thought provoking, i swing between both pro life and pro choice. i think it takes experiencing suffering to fully understand the desire to die but i also have been on the other hand and felt the loss which death creates. its not an simple topic.  

 

janie and i have been looking at some hard things lately and i seem to swing between being 'right, i want to fight this' to 'it is just too hard'. one of the things we have talked about is, that for me my minimum weight is not the goal for me and that i will have to be heavier, as naturally i have also been tall and more heavily set. its all determined by internal organs and functionings. if i want to some day have children, i will need to be well over my minimum weight. at the moment my organs and hormones are not working and haven't for my entire illness. this has been an ongoing struggle and something that upsets me from time to time. so that means more food, more dairy, more protein, more nuts and fruit, more fats and more, more, more eating...... it seems endless. people often say i am lucky.....maybe i should say 'well would you like my eating disorder?.......