this was my card for today..not 100% sure i have found it but i am looking. although i did do some actual gardening today- planted some spring onions, pulled a few weeds and picked a few flowers. i also picked heaps of tomatoes and zucchinis so i ended up making some tomato pasta sauce for winter and made ratatouille for dinner. things have been hard this week and my head is playing little games...for some reason i thought being busy and having a new focus would mean i had less time to think but it just adds to it. lets hope that can change with a little time.
i am at the "stage" where i have been given the choice: to either go for it and eat well and surrender OR live a life controlled by a nasty little monster ruining any fun. i have tipped to the surrender one a bit but then the fear, absolute fear sets in and i go back to old habits and routines. what will it take? when will things change? i know it is up to me and i know that i need to be the one to make the changes but the fear is so over whelming at times it feels like it may kill you. i know i have said it before about recovery and treatment being much harder than choosing to live with an eating disorder. ho hum. come on.
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