being away for a few days makes me realise again that you can not have a holiday or a few days away from the thoughts and power of an eating disorder. it would be lovely to lie in the sun, read a book and nibble on those special treats that come with holidays. although being at the beach means i can feel the sand in my toes and swim in the sea, it is still haunted by my thoughts and guilt associated with relaxing. relaxing is possibly the most difficult thing for me to do. relaxing means weight gain, relaxing means guilt, relaxing means repulsion and relaxing means i am bad. i was listening to a lady on the radio today who has schizophrenia and she said how she works 7 days a week and finds travelling very hard as she needs routine, structure and stability. this is the same for me. i need structure, predictablity and my own surroundings to feel safe. mum and dad have both said to me even as a little girl i struggled leaving my own bed and constantly asked when we would be going home. so tonight i am pleased to be at home in my own bed and hope that this will help lessen my voices and thoughts.
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