what a week and thank god it is friday. it has been a hard few weeks and i have felt myself mentally and physically slipping down the dangerous slope with nothing to grab onto. it is a frightening experience. i think now knowing what the outcome is like and how it feels, i am more aware and scared when i get glimpses of it. this week i did. the world goes sideways and i fear i am going to collapse in the middle of the road, or fall asleep at the wheel or just find it hard to make a proper sentence, let alone listen and take in what others are saying to me.
luckily i was able to see my specialist who change my medication and asked me a series of questions ... are the voices you hear inside or outside your head? my answer, both. do you think other people can hear them, like on a radio station or walkie talkie? i laughed and said 'no, but i wish they could, so they would understand how horrible it is'
it is extremely tiring constantly battling this illness and my body has hit the wall. so it will be a weekend of not doing much and trying to up my food intake, increasing my portions and managing the side effects of new medication. it is painful eating more as the stomach has to stretch. it is nice to lie in front of the fire after tea or roll into a little ball to decrease the pain. people say to me, oh you are so lucky you can eat what you want, i wish the reality was this.
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