another week gone by

another week has gone by and i am going just getting to writing. this weeks seems to have been a busy one with work, my nana's 90th and life. my new medication has i think made a change and i feel like i have some more energy that last week. although it slightly concerns me that my GP said that i am taking such a cocktail of drugs and if he was to take them he would be completely knocked out. they don't seem to have that effect on me... i scares me to think what my life would be without them.

 

i had a little glimpse of hope during the week after seeing janie which was a first in the past few months. i thought 'i can do this' and then started thinking 'what can i do to work towards something, maybe a trip? or maybe something special'. when i was at CREDS and ashburn where was a goal and a determination especially at ashburn to get out, to get out of this mad place where people make you feel bad about yourself. i was sick of hearing 'you are a boring person, you have nothing exciting in your life, you dress like an old women'. yes, these were common comments from some at ashburn. i hated it and one day i snapped and thought 'fuck you, i will eating myself out of this place!' unfortunately this was not sustained once i left. so i need to think and do it a bit differently if i want to make a permanent change to my life.

 

there have been threats of CREDS again which brings mixed feelings but i want to stay away from institutional type care. once your in it, it takes such a long time to adjust once your out. my disorder and me 'megan' like the structure and routine of that type of living. they also provide a 'safe' place where other people can care for you and there is little responsibility. these are all things anorexia likes. my life is still very structured and routine but it is what control my anxiety and thoughts, so it is a balancing act trying to make changes while minimising my anxiety to making eating not so torturous. life is complicated. life is hard. but life is also full of corners and i hope sometime soon i go around the next one.