oops

oops i have been neglecting my blog again, sorry. i am not sure where this week has gone and as the year is quickly coming to an end i am finding myself thinking alot about 'shit, what now?' on the eve of the beginning of summer school i realised that after this i only have two papers to go until i have completed my degree. omg, 8 years in the making and it is finally getting close. so where to from here? in a way it feels like an open book with no answers..... i can do what i want and i will have something to my name finally. not that a degree hold this much power but i have felt like a nothingness for a couple of years. i hate the question: so what do you do? mmm, nothing? recovery? student? cleaner? although many people have said to me if there was a degree in life and living- i would have graduated long ago. life experience doesn't always count for anything unfortunately.

a part of me would love to work with my creative side- have my own shop with lots of nice things and flowers, yes flowers and the other side of me want to utilise my degree and interest in health and science to help others. but would that be alternative health or health health. alternative health has played a huge part in my recovery- yoga especially is important to me. as i have been struggling with my body and feeling disgustingly overweight, bloated and repulsive, yoga helps me become more aware of my body and breathing. for the briefest of moments sometimes i can even forget about the life i am living. anorexia has been more present lately and having 5 minutes where it is not in the forefront of my mind is a huge thing.

social occasions and things outside my 'routine' create huge anxiety and dread, as well as excitement and anticipation. this week i have a wedding and a trip to auckland to get my head around and plan. planning is essential to reduce my anxiety, voices and fear. i am looking forward to exploring auckland and spending some time with my sister, alice. she has booked me a hair appointment in a funky salon which she goes to. this is probably the biggest excitement of the year for me! a treat. so there is another week in paradise....