grief and dying

i have been very slack with my blog and my goal of posting something everyday, something arty at that too. the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster which has meant i haven't really felt like getting all creative and dirty. grief and death have been the predominant feelings which seem to occur in waves... janie said to me i have years of grief in me?! sometimes it feels like if i let myself cry then i may never stop. the idea of death sends me into extremely panic and it is a natural instinct to back pedal as fast as i can.... back back back until i find myself in somewhat of a hole, the hole of anorexia. it creeps on in and poisons my healthy cells and bursts any new growth. this is how i relate it to a physical illness in which you have no control over. some people struggle to view mental illness in this way but to me it is the same. medication can help, cure or suppress and sometimes medication is not enough to kill those nasty beasts.

switching between two roles is so confusing and very hard..... the role of the carer/helper and the role of remaining and retaining recovery. during this time, anorexia has tightened its grip and sunk its teeth into my back. your not sick, you are revolting, you don't need to eat, other people are worse off than you, your a waste of space, why try when it is so hard, this is all my fault, you poison the people you love, you will never be loved, you are disgusting and you should just die...... it is repetitive, tiring, saddening and too much. at the moment i would love to sleep through the night without any nasty thought or dreams. i would love to sleep like a baby.....