today is one of those days when things feel to hard to do. my body is exhausted and i feel like i am dragging myself around. the thought of doing anything is just too hard, sometimes i curse my body. why is this journey so hard, demanding, exhausting and slow? mum suggested a picnic in the garden today at the park since the weather is nice. as i think about it, the thought is just too exhausting... this is were the shoulds come in: i should be doing something, i should be better, i should be studying, i should be happy, i should be a better person, i should be losing weight, i should be gaining weight, i should be making more of an effort, i should be straightening the pillows, i should be taking out the compost, i should be watering my seedlings, i should be painting..... and it goes on, round and round, sidewards back and forth.
there is a real battle and confusion in my head about whether i should be losing or gaining weight and it swings from one side to the other in the matter of a few minutes. i feel revolting in my skin and at times think if i was to cut into my stomach then the the fat might drain away...this would make it better, would it stop this thinking? these are thoughts that mum, dad and janie say are delusional. i know this is not reality but it feels like reality. anorexia has been described as many things over the years... some people see it as gollum from lord of the rings- evil and creepy. i see anorexia as a beast, a black, evil, devil that grips his claws into my back and sucks the life and energy out of it then opens my head. it is a very vivid image which is hard to explain more but i beg for this beast to be killed, just so i can get some strength back to at least want to leave home.... i don't want to be under the table... its too lonely and frightening....
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