rata

nothing is better than coming home to this wee sweetie. she keeps me going, she helps me get out of bed and go about my day. life is a bit black and she just makes it that much easier to continue. her purr, her smell, her games, her smile. yes, she smiles. maybe i am a crazy cat lady but i do not care. 

dad's birthday

it was dad's birthday today, 68 years young. where do all the years go? he is a special man and has done so much for me over the years. especially since i have been unwell. coming and sitting with me, doing scratchies, countless coffees and drives. over the past couple of months, he has been my rock. in the process of buying my little home, he helped me hunt, checked roofs, sorted money stuff out and helped massively doing odd jobs. i am incredibly lucky. so, i thought this bag was rather fitting...

going out for tea is never easy. after being faced with a MASSIVE bowl of creamy risotto with a whole roasted chicken breast, i am feeling rather horrid. i feel fat and disgusting. but when i looked in my mirror as i went for a shower, i saw all the bones in my back. how does this work? how can i see it in mirrors and windows but not feel it or see it when i look down? it is so complicated, so boring, so horrible. i left quite a bit on my plate, i managed the chicken which is something but i feel pissed off with myself that i didn't or couldn't fully 'participate'. i dream of the day when i can just do it, just be normal, just be the old me. i feel sad as the evening draws to an end. what does it take?

at least nana loved it!

saturday

 i have been managing to plod along the past few days. my body is tired and work a little draining so the reminder of needing to eat has been ok. still room for improvement but much better.

last night i was a little restless so i made a cushion cover using some cute dog fabric and feather cushion inner which was given to me by a dear friend Heather. i now just need to keep it away from Rata. 

after a rather challenging and emotional day at work- i also popped home yesterday and gave bilo a big hug. plus picked some lovely lavender and jasmine from the garden for my home. there is nothing better than fresh flowers to soothe the soul. 

i love the huffington post articles on all sorts of topics but this i thought was rather relevant. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/noreena-sondhi-lewis/what-recovery-from-an-eat_b_5655615.html

visit huffington post for all sorts of articles....

2015

life has certainly been a roller coaster lately with huge changes and adjustments. i have moved into my own home, got myself a wee kitten (rata) and have settled into a new job. these a big life events and they are exciting and positive.

however, my health has rapidly declined and my life has been consumed by my dark thoughts resulting in weight loss, lots of weight loss. it is incredibly frustrating and heart breaking to be falling into one big black hole. my dreams are invaded, my thoughts are irrational and my life has become isolated out of fear. the shame and fear i hold about the way my body looks means i hide behind clothes or my new four walls. my body does not cope the way it use to and i know it can not go on...i can not go on. at some stage.... it will stop. i know this and feel this. it is scary, terrifying and debilitating.

and there is only one answer. to eat. to gain weight and to improve my quality of life. i have become a master of masking what is going on and i need to stop it. i need to stop the way i am going and get back on track. meal by meal, day by day. it seems like a simple task and some people say 'oh, you are so lucky.' when i hear this i want to kick and scream.... i wouldn't wish this upon my worse enemy. it is not a choice, not a lifestyle or not a life. but it certainly is a waste of a life.

i have got to a point now where i am scared and people are worried, i am worried. i see my bones, my spine, my black circles around my eyes. it is disgusting. i can not understand why people have a desire to be thin, or why society is so obsessed about it. at this time of the year every where you look, the main New Year resolution is to lose weight, diet and eat 'better'. oh, for fuck sake. why can't it be- to be happy, to enjoy your pet more, make time to read books you love, to do more sewing. forget paleo, forget "i quit sugar".........

so from today, from now, i have to....need to make a change. move forward. so i start now with a fortisip milo. yum? i promise to write daily, to remind myself of what i am doing and not allow myself to put my head in the clouds. my New Year (7th of January) resolution is to get back on track and enjoy my new life, in my new home and with my new kitten. i have to. there is no option.

flowers, flowers and more flowers...

Flowers by Megan

just a small selection of some of the flowers i have been doing over the past few weeks. 

Flowers....

Vintage Wedding Flowers

Anne brought me this lovely book for the flowers I have been doing. It is gorgeous... 

Vic Brotherson is very talented. I have enjoyed many hours flicking through the pages. 

On Sunday I am off to another floral workshop with Mindy Dalzell from Twig and Arrow. This workshop focuses on crowns and garlands which should be good. A bit different. 

Check out Mindy's work at www.twigandarrow.com

Monday was busy at The Flower Depot- it was good. Anne and I managed to get a lot achieved and out the front for sale. Fingers crossed people liked the little flower tins.

I haven't managed to get back into the garden or start any painting as I somehow managed to dislocate my knee lighting the fire on Monday night so i have been moving about in a funny way. 

It hurt (with a loud crack and pop) and still does....

But here are some photos from Monday that Anne took.

I am back!

after weeks of hospitals, appointments and treatment- I am back in the wairarapa again settling back into everyday life slowly. everyday is still a struggle but it is one day at a time. my body is much slower than it was so i need to pace myself and keep reminding myself of the importance of nutrition (not always an easy task!) 

but i am lucky enough to have a couple of good people on my side to support me. 

firstly my parents who support me in every way, Heather who is a dear support, Katie my lovely nurse and Anne. Anne owns a local flower company- the flower depot, that produces the most beautiful flowers in the wairarapa. she has been so kind to open her business and knowledge to me. i have been helping out for a couple of months now, one or two days a week, learning some tricks of the trade. 

so from now i will post more about my ongoing learning, flowers, posies and creative activities i have been working on.i am also lucky to have green fingered parents- so i spend a lot of time pottering around the garden with them. i am slowly establishing a few small pots for the day i get my own place- today i got a lemon tree, a meyer. vital for any garden. 

i've got a daphne.

a button bush.

tulip bulbs and

mini daffs.

a taste of this weekend's creations

Nearing the end..

My first attempt at knitting

Easter at our house

After nearly two months of intense treatment, a hell of a lot of food and many tears I am coming to the end of my inpatient treatment at the clinic. Not to say the work is done and I am fixed or "better". My blood cells and blood pressure are still far from good 

but this is going to take time to heal. 

Once I leave and return to the Wairarapa, the hard work begins. Doing it for myself will be the hardest bit and maintaining all the weight I have gained is vital if I want to remain out of hospital and get back to some sort of life.

I have my days, on the bad ones I want to crawl into a black hole and cry, and I think it is all too hard but on better days I think maybe, just maybe I might be able to get on with my life. It will be step by step. With a lot of community support and of course my family.

Being at the clinic offers a level of safety from the outside world and stepping outside into the big wide world is very daunting.

Anyway here are some photos I have taken over the past month...

Birthday flowers

Tofu- the kitten who comes to visit the clinic most days

a month has gone by....

The beautiful posie Mum brought me when I was in hospital. It had thyme in it.

My new pj pants with my stunning hospital gown I had to wear.

The flowers from the garden Mum brought down and I made up.

The giant cookie I had to eat in hospital....it was pretty dry. 

Lots has happened over the past month- CREDS, hospital, back to CREDS as a resident now back in as a day client. I am still here all the time but it is nice to be able to leave each night and sleep without being watched. It has been a very trying time and for a bit it was very bumpy in terms of my physical health. it has certainly made me sit up- being told if I wasn't in hospital that I would have died was scary, living on a heart monitor was scary and having someone watch me 24/7 was at time infuriating. But today I am feeling a little stronger but mentally it is hard, feeling the weight on go (there is an expectation to gain 1kg to 1.5kg a week). My biggest fear is leaving or going out and having people say "you look so well" "so healthy now". I know this needs to happen and it is a good thing but at the moment I don't want to hear, its too hard. 

the end of day three

there is nothing glamour about re:feeding or weight gain in the early stages of treatment. ingestion which burns constantly, nausea, constant trips to the little girls room (sitting there for what seems like eternity), headaches, dizziness, hot flushes....the list goes on. at the end of day three, i am just about over it already. i have never really been a dairy kid who loves cheese, milk and other by products from cow etc but here there is no option. every meal is packed full of dairy...except dinner which hosts other protein rich meat or alternatives. there is barely time between meals to digest the last so it feels like Xmas day, every day........and it is only the end of day three. god help me. i feel like a lamb getting ready for slaughter. i just feel sick, sick to the stomach. this is when i just want to run for the hills as the going is starting to get tough. the first few days can be more tolerable as the body is screaming for nutrition but now it repulsion/ disgust has sunk in. anyway new day tomorrow- day 4......here we go. 

big day tomorrow- so early to bed. 

after nearly 3 months of waiting, appointment, scans and tests. my body is slowing down, it knows when it can retreat. although being at the clinic is hard, really hard, it feels like you have the permission to rest your body and eat. every time i have been in hospital or at the clinic it feels like you go into a hibernation. 

i have lots i need to achieve and fast. 

eating is just the start........

a date

i have a date, i have a time and i have a plan. nervous, scared, anxious....? yes. bloody scared, bloody nervous but i know it is my last chance and i have to make it work. the depth of this and the pain of this living day after day is not maintainable. its now or never. i have to gain weight, i have to make big changes and i have to change the way i do things. 

so from next week, i am on a new road, it is going to be hard and scary, and sickening, anger making and lonely but after it i hope a new world will open, a world to new opportunities, new beginnings

and a new start....

it feels as though my world is closing up. each day gets harder and each day i've had enough. i feel like backing up or running for my life. i am not sure which option is better. 

i certainly want it to stop. the mask or shell is beginning to break- i hate this. If people think this illness is a choice or a call for attention, then i would like them to spend a day in my world. 

happy valentines day

sad

today has been a day from hell......i feel like i have been flattened onto the floor and i can't pick myself up, i feel so low that it is one of those days where i can not see the point. life feels like it is moment by moment, and that i am abiding time and wishing time away. i hold out for bed time and when i wake in the morning it feels like, here we go again. i wish people could go into hibernation. i don't feel like waking up at the moment- just let me sleep.  

i wish i could use this time to do some craft and sewing but i just can't muster the energy- mental or physical. i sit and look at my things and my mind is blank, maybe i could do this or maybe i could do that. a lovely lady (Rachel) brought me around a shoe box of goodies, in it are some small squares of Liberty fabric. they all have that musty smell which goes hand in hand with fabric. i have stuff all over the place and a few of the bags smell the same. 

sleep is another thing i wish i could do during the day- not only does it help bide the time but it is good to rest the body. it doesn't seem to matter how tired i am, sleeping is really hard. i have tried lying on my bed or the couch but it makes my head go wild. its intolerable. at night my dreams (or nightmares) are very vivid and i often wake and worry that the dream wasn't a dream but what has happened. i sometimes need to ask mum..."did such and such happen" the more anxious i am, the more my dreams become irrational. 

i just wish i had a date...so i could plan in my head and prepare myself but no. its a waiting game. 

life at the moment is anything but easy. the first week of 'rest' was OK but as i make the 8 day mark, things have become much harder. the voices is stronger- "don't do this, do that", "you are lazy", " you are disgusting", " you aren't sick, you are revolting", "i hate you (myself, that is)".

my skin is crawling and i feel dirty all the time. each piece of food that passes my mouth, feels like it is turning into fat. mum said to me today that i am still eating so little and nothing heavy. a lot of fruit (watermelon, cherries, nectarines and dried figs).

i hate this f****en illness. it is horrible. i feel horrible and feel so god damn pissed off this has happened again.

a bed

life is forever changing. from one day to the next is unknown. it is amazing how the mind/body adapts to such events that on paper would frighten anyone. adapting to different situations and places has been vital for me over the past 8 years. 

as a little girl right through to my early adolescent i found it very hard to stay a night away from home- there were quite a number of late night phone homes to come and pick me up from a friends place. however, once uni arrived then slowly my eating disorder i had to quickly learn to adapt to sleeping in lots of different places- hospital, inpatient care, home, family, on the floor, on a hospital bed and now even a respite bed. there is still that pit in my tummy of fear but  i just have to swallow and get on with it. a bed is a bed and yes, there is nothing like your own bed with your own sheets and pillows but sometimes you need to have a short change to get back on track. 

a bed is a bed.