2015

life has certainly been a roller coaster lately with huge changes and adjustments. i have moved into my own home, got myself a wee kitten (rata) and have settled into a new job. these a big life events and they are exciting and positive.

however, my health has rapidly declined and my life has been consumed by my dark thoughts resulting in weight loss, lots of weight loss. it is incredibly frustrating and heart breaking to be falling into one big black hole. my dreams are invaded, my thoughts are irrational and my life has become isolated out of fear. the shame and fear i hold about the way my body looks means i hide behind clothes or my new four walls. my body does not cope the way it use to and i know it can not go on...i can not go on. at some stage.... it will stop. i know this and feel this. it is scary, terrifying and debilitating.

and there is only one answer. to eat. to gain weight and to improve my quality of life. i have become a master of masking what is going on and i need to stop it. i need to stop the way i am going and get back on track. meal by meal, day by day. it seems like a simple task and some people say 'oh, you are so lucky.' when i hear this i want to kick and scream.... i wouldn't wish this upon my worse enemy. it is not a choice, not a lifestyle or not a life. but it certainly is a waste of a life.

i have got to a point now where i am scared and people are worried, i am worried. i see my bones, my spine, my black circles around my eyes. it is disgusting. i can not understand why people have a desire to be thin, or why society is so obsessed about it. at this time of the year every where you look, the main New Year resolution is to lose weight, diet and eat 'better'. oh, for fuck sake. why can't it be- to be happy, to enjoy your pet more, make time to read books you love, to do more sewing. forget paleo, forget "i quit sugar".........

so from today, from now, i have to....need to make a change. move forward. so i start now with a fortisip milo. yum? i promise to write daily, to remind myself of what i am doing and not allow myself to put my head in the clouds. my New Year (7th of January) resolution is to get back on track and enjoy my new life, in my new home and with my new kitten. i have to. there is no option.