round and round

• round and round the mouse wheel 
• one step forward and two steps back
• nil change
• up and down, up and down.

there are so many ways to describe standing still in recovery

this is my life and yes i am aware that i am the only one  who can change this cycle. if only it was that easy. i'd love to wake up one morning and be fixed, cured, better, i would give my right arm for that. constant voices, rules and routines, needs and musts is what makes change so hard. i can do it for a few days even a few weeks then it is like a panic button goes inside me and wham, back down the hill i run. 

recovery is not something you can do on your own but doing it with help is hard. asking for help is hard and eating is hard. but people have told me it is worth it in the end. i feel like a coward for not just doing it when i see what it is doing. not only does it affect me  and my body but it affects everyone around me. i know that. that's the guilt i wake with and go to sleep with. if it was just me, i wouldn't be here, i would have given up years ago. 

yesterday mary-jane thomson spoke to kim hill on the national radio about her journey living with a mental illness and her experiences of institutionalisation. it was frightening and funny listening to her. recovery doesn't happen overnight and mary-jane described it as being well but living with a  mental illness. never in my whole life would i have thought i would get a mental illness and that it would affect me for years. 

the funny part was hearing about her escapes from ashburn- it brought back memories of plotting your getaway from the madness. it is a mad house. 

so what is it going to take? 

when will i know and how will i know?

i just wish it was be over.