It has been a while since I have done a proper post on my blog and since I have a minute or two, I decided to touch base. The past month or so have been a huge roller coaster and have thrown a few curve balls and discoveries about myself. Pushing through recovery has been hard, as my mind and body have been so disconnected, this I have been told is body dysmorphia . Body dysmorphia is when what you see or feel is completely different to what is reality. When I verbally say what is going on in my head or how I am feeling about my body or what I see, it sounds completely mad. I feel ashamed to say it out loud but I guess it shows the power of the mind. I have not experienced it to this degree before, well from memory anyway. Gaining weight is very bittersweet and while I know most of the time it is what I need to do, there are many times when my head chatters away to me about how disgusting, fat and repulsive I am. However, the hardest part of recovery is not the physical.... mental recovery is much much harder. People often comment on a persons weight when suffering from an eating disorder oh you look so much better or you don't look so thin now and so on. At times I wish I could punch those people or scream in their face, you have no idea! It is much more difficult gaining weight than living in a confined and safe world fully in the grips of anorexia.
Weight gain means anorexia chatter, high anxiety, nausea, stomach pains and cramps, disgust and for me, a complete fear about being in social situations. I fear what people are going to say to me or if they will judge me by my weight. Most people don't say anything which is a relief but the comments about my weight means many hours of fighting and fighting against the anorexic thoughts and fears. Do they mean I am fat now?, does it mean I am not sick and I am making things up?, I am revolting, I am wasting peoples time, I don't deserve to eat anymore....
I hate how in society that we are judge on our weight, whether it be weight loss or weight gain. People's appearance shouldn't impact on how someone is treated or valued. I guess my biggest rant is that I wish people didn't look at me up and down, mentally judging me and at times commenting on my weight. Weight does not symbolise a lot really. I still live in the grips of anorexia and I have to work hard everyday, I have to go to appointments and I have to consciously be aware of everything. Recovery is about life not about weight....so for me at the moment: life is about prescriptive eating, routines, familiarity and juggling. Here are some interesting article or sites I have found:
Weight gain means anorexia chatter, high anxiety, nausea, stomach pains and cramps, disgust and for me, a complete fear about being in social situations. I fear what people are going to say to me or if they will judge me by my weight. Most people don't say anything which is a relief but the comments about my weight means many hours of fighting and fighting against the anorexic thoughts and fears. Do they mean I am fat now?, does it mean I am not sick and I am making things up?, I am revolting, I am wasting peoples time, I don't deserve to eat anymore....
I hate how in society that we are judge on our weight, whether it be weight loss or weight gain. People's appearance shouldn't impact on how someone is treated or valued. I guess my biggest rant is that I wish people didn't look at me up and down, mentally judging me and at times commenting on my weight. Weight does not symbolise a lot really. I still live in the grips of anorexia and I have to work hard everyday, I have to go to appointments and I have to consciously be aware of everything. Recovery is about life not about weight....so for me at the moment: life is about prescriptive eating, routines, familiarity and juggling. Here are some interesting article or sites I have found:
No comments:
Post a Comment