thoughts....

for the first time in over a year i went away on my own. although i was not alone, alone for most of the week, i had a lot of time on my own. this was massive, exciting, depressing and frightening. i had a lovely time with alice and she took me all over the place, took me to see lisa and the kids, lent me her car, shouted me a haircut and even picked me some grapefruit from her tree. she was supportive, friendly, generous and thoughtful.

but when i was alone i was plagued with overwhelming thoughts which were destructive, saddening and frightening. it aggravates me that things are not better after all this time and work. skipping meals, walking around and around until my feet blister and over thinking eating situations are all old unhealthy habits. it seems so easy and simple...just eat and get on with it, you need it and your underweight but it is anything but. i think for me bargaining is the biggest issue...if you are going out for tea tonight...you can only go if you...don't have lunch and walk to make up for it. otherwise you don't deserve it, if you know you are out for lunch and dinner...you can't eat breakfast. all choose the less dense meal, despite the taste and never never indulge. once that all starts its all downhill from there, once you start its a slippery slope. the strange thing is that as my eating becomes more "disordered", the fatter, more repulsive and disgusting i feel. this has never made much sense. it is when my thinking moves towards i can't do this anymore, its too hard begins and that is never a pleasant state. when will it get easier???