wednesday

this week has been a hard one... studying and exams are not easy for anyone, and anxiety is normal at this time of the semester. however normal anxiety + illness anxiety = hell on wheels. my mood has been a roller coaster and is spending more time down than up at the moment... not a day has gone by when i haven't cried but it is the rage which continues to frighten me. the rage comes from my belly and builds quickly into tension which i need to just need to purge, i sit and my study desk and just want to smash the window, destroy my laptop and hurt my body. i think it happens more when i feel trapped, when anorexia feel trapped. no longer have i got distractions of the library or pottering around, time alone or time to think as it has been replaced with study and the intense pressure that creates. i feel guilty for sitting still, i feel guilty when i am not studying, i feel guilty when i eat, i feel guilty for not acheiving anything, i feel guilty for enjoying anything, i feel guilty for how i make mum and dad feel, i feel guilty for being alive, i feel guilty full stop. And it just goes around and around until i either cry or scream. Guilt is crippling, oh so crippling. tonight i have decided not to do any uni work and it is taking everything not to do it. i feel i should be and feel guilty for not doing it.

yesterday in the dominion post was an article in the health section about beating anorexia written by carrie arnold who is a freelance science writer from the US. she suffered with anorexia and bulimia for over 10 years and has written 3 books, the latest being focused more on the science of hope. she explains that eating disorders have been linked with: genetic, bacterial infections like Streptococcus and a small proportion from environmental factors such as magazines and the fashion industry. Her main points are that research into eating disorders are dramatically underfunded compared with other illnesses, 'healthy eating' and diets can trigger a life threathening eating disorder in up to 5% of the population and restirction can set of a change of events in a vulnerable persons brain and body. Most of all she highlights- eating disorders have the highest rate of mortality than any other mental illnesses, death can be due to physical complications: heart attacks, organ failure and strokes or by suicide. And finally she ends with eating disorders are real illnesses that ruin lives.
Here is carrie arnold's webpage which is worth having a look at: http://ed-bites.blogspot.co.nz/ and http://carriearnold.com