sunday

another thing that can be very healing is being outside in the sun pottering in the garden. maybe there is something about having your nails and hands covered in dirt and the fresh air on your face which makes it healing but i also think it is about caring for something, nurturing it until it is ready to grow. anyhow, after a very productive session with janie on wednesday, i ripped into planning my little box of garden. i went and brought some lovely bright- poppies, dahlias, petunias and cosmos. since october is the best time to start planting things i went all out. now it is the waiting watering game until they begin to grow.
 

 

i said to mum on wednesday afternoon how much you can get done when you are slightly manic, its like your on a roll... i love these days but also find them unsettling as often they are followed by a low, in these times i regret the commitments i have made and just want to hide under my desk. these highs and lows are something i have come quite use to, it is in those darker days that things just seem to hard and life just seems to complicated.

 

i have become an expert in masking how i feel and there are few people who i let my guard down with. i think i fear what reaction i might get, if i was to be honest and really sometimes what goes on in my head isn't appropriate just to let out. i have been reading this wonderful book and they describe it as' playing the game'- playing the game means not letting people in, doing what your told and dealing with it despite the thoughts and feelings inside. its not an easy game to play but the truth hurts and sometimes it is just not worth it. i am lucky to have the mum and dad, and janie, as they let me talk and talk and talk about what is going on for me, they tend not to laugh (although sometimes its hard not too) and accept that sometimes it is anorexia talking, not megan. i am lucky.

 

there have been no painting or drawing photos this weekend, but i promise i have done one. they will come. the next few week are going to be full of study, but i will attempt to write/draw something everyday! heres something nice to end on....