anorexia

I woke up today with a deep sadness which I have been finding hard to shake. Maybe its the grey in the sky. Janie has said to me recently that I have enough in me to write a book. Sometimes I feel the motivation to start writing and writing. The past 7 years has seen a roller coaster of thoughts, feelings, experiences and emotions. As I uploaded my painting for my daily challenge today, I came across some writing I had done very early on in my illness when I was another person, a person who was at times very angry and others empty and deserted. The rawness of the writing makes me shudder but also helps me see how much things have changed are slowly continue to change. Everyday is still a massive struggle to choose what is right for me, retraining myself to enjoy things and experiment with new experiences.  I no longer feel like I am dying and I am making little steps forward. Things are never straight forward, easy or predictable so maybe one day when I have the mental space I might end up writing more......

 

'Lying naked in the bathroom, in my own faeces, nauseated, distant, shaky and cold. I felt like I was dying and it was happening so, so slowly. I could feel every inch of being slowing draining out of my body. I wanted to die but I knew I couldn’t yet. With not much energy to cry or yell, or move, I thought maybe, just maybe it wasn't the right time'. I wasn't afraid of dying but I was afraid living, living with this monster which was sucking the life out of me.