Happy New Year 2014

Happy New Year 2014. 

I can not believe it is 2014...I was thinking today about when I was little and how the build up to 2000 seemed unbelievable, the year of Y2k... I remember sitting in the car and saying that "when it is 2000, I am going to be at intermediate!"

So much has happened since then. 14 years have gone by. If I had been able to look ahead and see what those 14 years would entail I wouldn't have believed it. An eight year illness certainly wouldn't have been one, that's for sure. Although I would let go anorexia and all that goes with it in an instant with no thought, I have learnt a lot about life, suffering and what is important because of it.

Some of the things I have faced/seen make my skin crawl when I think about them but part of me treasure/hold on to those moments. Hospital, CREDS, Ashburn and death were all frightening experiences that live with me most days. Seeing people suffer opens your eyes to so much and knowing I have survived it so far makes me hopeful (sometimes not!) that I have not given up.

I want 2014 to be different, I want to move forward. This means gaining weight, eating more and challenging those thoughts. It means pushing through those horrible, disgusting and tormenting body sensations, listening to people make comments about my body and "surveying" the changes it makes.

I want to live independently despite how frightening that thought it. The fear of being alone forever. I am going to be 27 in April so time is quickly passing me by, I can not wait for another 8 years....

I have a lot of positive things happening which I need to be well for- tutoring 5th year medical students about eating disorders and more focus on mental health promotion in the Wairarapa, and the possibility of doing workshops and training on eating disorders. Plus the work I will do with Gerry and you never know maybe some more study?

Mostly I need to be well for Mum and Dad- they are finally going away on their OE to London, Paris and Venice for 6 weeks. I need to be well for them.

I wish, I must, I can, I will are all common words and along with them comes many fears, anxieties and dread BUT I must and I will.

I will, I will, I will.