"no one gets better feeling comfortable"

this is a quote i read on a recent eating disorder support blog. it is very true. at the moment i have been struggling with the multitude of messages from others and from myself. anorexia is great at sitting on your shoulder and reminding you of everything you are doing wrong and constantly telling you that 'you don't need to gain weight, you don't need to rest, you don't need to worry and you don't need to eat more food'. following a meal plan sounds simple- eat what is on it and get on with your day but that is not so simple.

 

i have a person in my life, who i rather wish was not, who reminds me of what a life with anorexia would be like if i continue on the path i am. missing a few meals here or there, bargaining that if i eat this then i must do that to make up for it. surely this person would be enough to make me stuff my face.....but sadly no and this really fucks me off. at times it feels unfair that i have been made to have treatment, spend many nights in a hard white hospital bed being poked and prodded, analysed and fed up. that i have lost a good hunk of my 20's living in limbo and still live day to day with a fear of what the future holds. "getting away" with anorexia behaviours makes for a much easier life than fighting for recovery. getting away with behaviours can make you feel elated or even high, happy and in control. however, eating and coping with the internal fighting can leave you feeling pretty damn shitty. when i have eaten what i should have which is really not heaps when you look at it, i often feel dirty and restless. sometimes it even feels like oil is dripping off me. it is repulsive.

 

janie wants me to get angry with my anorexia and say 'fuck, i can not take this anymore!' 

'i don't want to be like .......'  and 'i want life'.

 

i have a million of little things to work on and get through. recovery from an eating disorder is not only about the weight or food, but it is about feelings, emotions, behaviours, habits, obsessions and safety. if my little rountine is changed or upset it send my anxiety out the door. panic and fear is probably the feeling that influences my eating the most. to control my anxiety, i control my food. it is all quite complicated and confusing but i hope by writing more about it, that it might help explain it more. eating disorders are complex and nasty, controlling and dangerous. i do hope that in the future i will look back on this time in my life and laugh or cry as a recovered woman.